This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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