OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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