I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
She told me I should be a condom model.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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