my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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