i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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