I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
