how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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