my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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