I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize