He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
