trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
