Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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