We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
