you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
