I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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