I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
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