She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
i now understand why vodka
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
