i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Is it penis luge time yet?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize