I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
