two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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