i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I woke up under a house in Key West
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