awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
