I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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