Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize