Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
