3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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