Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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