No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize