i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
