how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
