Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
