"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Bring me that man meat
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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