Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
