peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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