PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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