i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
