I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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