I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
