I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
