drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
