Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
