My underwear smells like fireworks.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
