wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
