I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
