then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
