highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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