I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
