Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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