Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
