last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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