just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
