its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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