Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
