You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
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