I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
