i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
