First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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