The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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