What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
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